Discipline vs.
Punnishment
Discipline for Bpers, this is a dilema
that we all have to face in raising our kids. Personally, I think the answer
lies in the details.
Think *responsibility* instead *fault*.
Your child is not at fault for having BP,
nor for having symptoms. No one would ever say he was *at fault* for vomiting if
he had the stomach flu, and BP rages are very often like "brain barf".
However, each of us is *responsible* for
our actions. As an adult, if I get the flu, although I am not at *fault*, I am
still the one cleaning up any mess that I may make. I am a grown up and I am
*responsible* for my messes, whatever the cause. I am trying to teach my boys
that they are *responsible* for their illness. Being *responsible* includes not
only careful behavior even when having symptoms, it includes taking care of
things when they blow it, and it includes getting adequate rest, eating right,
and taking their meds.
Instead of *punishment* think
*discipline* or *training*
Punishment is punitive, it means the child
is "paying" for his/her mistakes, and that's not really fair if the cause of the
behavior was an illness. Our kids already pay too high of a cost in lost
friendships, lost time, lost joy. *Discipline* or training is focused teaching
better responses for the next time the problem situation comes around.
No kid (or adult for that matter) is going
to be able to understand, process, and learn from *discipline* in the middle of
a BP rage. If you wait til after the episode to talk about the problem, discuss
alternatives, discuss restitution, then they can actually process what you are
saying, rather than get into a huge confrontation that is fruitless. Sometimes
if the child is very unstable, even between rages they are not able to process
the *discipline*. Sometimes you have to wait for the meds to kick in, and that
can be months, but eventually that time will come and you can begin to
*discipline* you child so he/she can handle it out there in the adult world.
I love Ross Greens approach in the book
Explosive Child. because it gives a concrete way for a parent to put these ideas
into practice. It's important to remember to use "B" basket, as well as "A" and
"C" though... or else all you are doing is ignoring the bad behavior, and that
does not equip the child for his/her future.
It's hard to get the schools and others to
understand that the process of being responsible for their own behavior is
harder for our kids than for many others, and that often in has to be broken
down into smaller chunks so it is more managable for them. It's a challenge as a
parent to keep going and not grow weary when progrss in measured in milimeters
and there are still kilometers yet to go.
For kids who are more stable, the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay can be very helpful in teaching them to function inthe world, and also to
help reduce the power struggles that can so easily develop with our kids.
Expressed Emotion is another important key in helping our kids. If we
do not allow the illness to consume our lives and do not become overly
emotional at the conflicts, we provide a handhold to help our kids climb back
into a "normal" life.
